karma

i believe in karma. what goes around comes around. i have learnt my lessons on karma. still i mess things up.

being needy is something that has been in my system for as long as i can remember. it started with the "white rabbit dance". i was in lower kindergarten when i was chosen as a dancer for "the white rabbit dance" and i was to wear a white dress for the event on parent's day. my parents never bought the dress for me deeming it unnecessary or maybe they were not able to afford it. anyhow, they did not get the white dress for me even though i kept telling them that it is required for the dance. longing for a bicycle all my childhood and feeling crappy for never getting it! the feeling of not getting what i wish for can be very damaging to my psyche. and i end up hurting myself more often than not.

my need to be believed is so ridiculous that i get very upset for not being accepted right away. i have a history regarding that too. dad did not believe me when i told him that i came second in my second grade. it has left me so scarred that since then i get very upset when i am not believed in.

because of my neediness i end up doing stupid things and i have done quite a few stupid things lately because of which i am suffering. i brought it upon myself but it hurts me even more because i have ended up hurting the person i love and because of the pain i caused her unintentionally there is some friction between us and things are a bit uncomfortable. she is the reason i am emotionally stable. hence, when things between us are not right it makes me highly unstable.

may peace be upon her,

may peace then be upon me.